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Sabrina Matthews

Baltimore Gay Life - Maryland's LGBT Community Newspaper

http://www.baltimoregaylife.com/ae/come-out-laughing-baltimore.shtml

Come Out Laughing, Baltimore!

Featuring Jason Dudey, Sabrina Matthews and ANT, the Come Out Laughing comedy tour brings a power-packed gay stand up show to Baltimore’s Comedy Factory on Sunday, July 19. The three comics spoke withGay Life

about the tour, being out as a comedian, how gay comedy has changed and funnel cake.

JASON DUDEY
Jason Dudey

An Interview with Jason Dudey, Sabrina Matthews and ANT

Featuring Jason Dudey, Sabrina Matthews and ANT, the Come Out Laughing comedy tour brings a power-packed gay stand up show to Baltimore’s Comedy Factory on Sunday, July 19. The three comics spoke with Gay Life about the tour, being out as a comedian, how gay comedy has changed and funnel cake.

JASON DUDEY
Jason Dudey, who was raised in Baltimore, is a host and producer of Gay Up Stand Up. He has appeared on LOGO’s Wisecracks, OutLaugh Comedy Festival and this past year’s Last Comic Standing on NBC. His half hour special One Night Stand Up is airing on LOGO now.

How did the “Come Out Laughing” Tour come together?
I travel the country in mostly straight worlds. There are a lot of gay comedy events, but they’re all at special venues. I was like, why isn’t there a gay comedy event in a mainstream comedy club in this country? In New York City, Gotham has a gay comedy show. The Hollywood Improv has a gay comedy show and they’re great, but that’s New York and LA. I spend every weekend traveling the country in different cities and I’m like, Why doesn’t Denver have this? Why doesn’t Wichita have this? Why doesn’t Baltimore have this? And it’s good for everybody. It’s good to get the gays into clubs they normally don’t go to, so the clubs are happy. And, being a gay comedian, we’re a part of. It’s not like it’s 1976 and we’re at the bar down the street, enter through the alley and knock on the door three times. It’s like, why can’t we? And I’ve had the best response from the comedy clubs.
What I do in every city is call up the community center and say, “I’m going to produce this show. I’m doing all the work. The club has volunteered to donate money to the gay and lesbian center if you can send an email blast out. And, no center has said no.”

How long have you been doing stand-up?
I’ve been doing stand-up for 15 years and literally, in the last two years, It’s been my full-time career. It’s a hard business.

So, it’s not just in Baltimore that the LGBT community center is benefitting?
No. In every city, I find some organization that I can donate the money to. It feels better for me because people have given me a helping hand throughout my year. I don’t want to be the comedy tour that just flops down on a city and then takes.

Coming back to Baltimore, how is it performing to a hometown audience?
I think it’s going to be really different. With Facebook being as large as it is, so many people from my hometown, so many people from high school…. I’m sure my mom and dad have invited the entire Kawanis Club.
It’s going to be really fun to perform in the city where I came out of the closet. Having my first gay community and my ex-girlfriend and high school friends and my parents all in the same room is going to be hysterical. I don’t think all worlds have collided before.

What else besides the tour do you have going on?
I have a special called One Night Stand-Up running on LOGO. Last year, a lot of people saw me on Last Comic Standing. There’s going to be a lot of Dudey around the country this year.

I’ve heard more about gay comedy shows in the area recently. Other than venue choice, what sets your show apart?
It’s not a typical comedy show where there’s a guy that comes out and does three minutes and who’s the MC and then a feature act and then the headliner. All three of us do 30 minutes of material and the goal of this show is to be run at every club every six months and we switch out the comedians. That way the town gets used to it.

So this is an on-going tour?
Yes. The goal is for this to be every six months. Of course we’re starting on an off night, a Sunday night, but you got to start somewhere.

That’s exciting.
It is and I could not be happier to give money to the GLCCB.

SABRINA MATTHEWS
Sabrina Matthews

SABRINA MATTHEWS

An openly lesbian comic, Sabrina Matthews tours regularly around the world. Her credits include her own half-hour comedy special, “Comedy Central Presents Sabrina Matthews,” a starring role in the documentary Laughing Matters…More! (2006) and appearances on Comics Unleashed. Matthews was a semi-finalist on NBC’s Last Comic Standing and she has appeared in television and film, including Margaret Cho’s Bam Bam and Celeste (2007).

You’ve been in the comedy world for a long time. Have you always been “out” as a comic?
Yes. I started at a place called Josie’s Juice Joint, which doesn’t exist anymore, in San Francisco, and it was managed by a guy named Donald, who is not alive anymore, sadly, but he was very committed to creating a gay performance space and he was also very committed to fostering gay performers who would then go out into the world and be openly gay performers in mainstream venues. A lot of people really benefited from that. Karen Ripley, Marga Gomez and Scott Silverman…. I could go on and on and on…. really benefited from that space and were sometimes able to quite nonchalantly move into mainstream venues with a pretty fair amount of built up skill and an expectation that we would be treated as equals.

Was the transition out of such a supportive venue difficult?
I don’t think comedy is particularly easy for anyone. You have to be extremely persistent to get into any venues at the beginning. You have to have very consistent performances. As long as you’re a regular there, you have to demonstrate the ability to get your fans in there and some fans like to hear sort of the same things over and over, but I would say creativity is very important because most people want to hear some of their favorites and new stuff every time they come.
I know that there are some venues that make it difficult for gay comics to come in and what I don’t like is that there still seems to be a mentality that there has to be a gay comedy night in order for a gay comic to work there. I wouldn’t say that that’s true across the board. There are venues that will have a gay comedy night that will very readily book gay comics into their mix normally. The more variety that’s on a bill the better. I think clubs even do better if they have gay comics in their rotation.

Do you see that happening more frequently?
Definitely.

Have you been to Baltimore before?
I have a couple of times. I think I performed at The Hippo a long time ago. I’m usually right when I remember something, but there’s that one chance in a hundred. If there’s anything comedians have a lot of, it’s self doubt. Even though a non-comedian would probably say, “Oh, yeah. It’s the Hippo.” A comedian has to be like, “Uh. I don’t know. There’s the slightest chance that I might be wrong…. I’m probably wrong.”

You’ve also done some acting. Has that been challenging in a different way than stand-up?
It’s actually hard in a different way. The parts that I’ve played are basically people that I might have been. I’ve never had a part where I had to do an accent or I had to play someone who looked or walked or spoke a lot differently than I do.
It’s difficult because all of the actors that I really admire and the most complimentary things that I hear actors say about each other are that they’ll really pay attention to what the other actors are doing in the scene and that’s kind of hard. I’m used to paying attention to what an audience is doing all the time, but I’m reacting as myself, whereas when you’re acting, you’re paying attention to the other people in the scene, but you’re also reacting as someone who is not exactly yourself…or maybe very far from yourself.

Who’s the funniest person you’ve ever worked or toured with?
I love Greg Proops. I think Margaret Smith is a fabulous writer. I like Sue Murphy, Kathleen Madigan. I love working with ANT. He is a lot of fun. He manages to beat up the crowd and make them know that he loves them all at the same time. And I always like watching Jason. He and I have been friends for a long time so he’s quite the charmer on stage and he’s a lot of fun to hang out with. In terms of gay comics, Vickie Shaw is always great.  And Elvira Kurt.
I’m fairly funny and I’m usually working with fairly funny people, so I’ve actually seen a lot of really great comics. What’s also fun is watching someone for a whole week. If I really like a comic, I’ll probably watch every one of their shows if I’m working there for a week.

Other than this tour, what are you working on now?
I have shows in Michigan and I’m doing SisterSpace in the Delaware Valley. I just moved cross country back to Virginia, which is where I’m from. It’s a lot more relaxed here. So, what else do I have going on? I hang out with my family. Go to the beach. Try to write some jokes.
This show is a real treat though. It’s a really good line-up with great variety. It’s three different styles from three different people who are really good comics and also get along well.

ANT
Ant

ANT
One of the more well-known comedians of our time, ANT is a regular guest on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and the Tyra Banks Show. The only comedian to appear on all five seasons of NBC’s hit series Last Comic Standing, ANT is currently host of VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club. His stand-up DVD, ANT: America’s Ready and comedy CD Follow My Ass! have been very successful and his daily video blog “The ANT Colony” is rated as one of the top 10 celebrity blogs. You can check it out at www.antcomic.com/blog.
I’m so happy to be talking to someone from Baltimore.

Thanks for taking the time out. I know you had a busy day. Have you been to Baltimore before?
I have. I’m from the East Coast, originally – New Hampshire. I did some time in Massachusetts. I did some time in New York. I’ve traveled extensively up and down the Eastern Seaboard because those are my people.

Ok, the basics. How did you get your start in comedy and how did you become known as ANT?
I was fired from American Airlines. I was drunk at the improv one night and heckling. They said, ‘Can you do a better job?’  I tried it and I got bitten by the bug and I kept going.
ANT is short for Anthony.

Most people know who ANT is. What do you attribute your success to?
Drugs.

Okay. That’s simple.
I would say I’d attribute my success to hard work and a lot of it to people who gave me breaks. I was told my entire career, ‘You’re a gay comic. You’re not going to get very far. You should really go back in the closet.’ But there were certain people along the way that always said, ‘Just be you and success will always follow if you’re true to yourself.’

Have you always been “out”?
No. I was actually in the closet in the beginning. Do you want to know who actually gave me my best piece of advice? It was Don Rickles. I was bombing on stage every night…twice a night. One night Don Rickles was at the improv and I bombed. There was more bombing going on on that stage than all of Iraq and Afghanistan and Vietnam combined. So, I get on stage and John Rickles approaches me and asks, ‘What the hell was that?’ You know, I was already feeling crappy about the set at as it was.

He said, ‘What are you doing up there?’

I said, ‘I’m trying to do stand up.’
o he asked, ‘Who’s Marcy?’

‘That’s my girlfriend.’

‘You’re a fagola. The audience knows everything there is to know about you in thirty seconds. They’ve got you in a box. Get in their box! If you don’t get in their box, they’re not going to trust you. They won’t believe you.’

So the next time I got on stage, I got in their box. I talked about Mark, who was the person I was dating, and I got laughs.
I’m so proud of Wanda Sykes for coming out.

Wasn’t that exciting?
That was a good one because she’s current and it wasn’t like the Village People…forty five years later, they come out of the closet and we’re like, ‘People on Mars knew you were gay guys.’

Do you feel like things have changed for gay comics over the past five or ten years?
I think it’s getting harder. Consolidation is not helping them. I also think that fragmentation in the marketplace is not helping them. I think why I’ve had so much success also to add to my answer before, I’ve mainstreamed myself. I’ve always been sort of out there with straight comics, so I never actually looked at myself as different until the movement started and then I was sort of part of this group that really….never accepts me as their own either. I think that if you’re a gay comic and you only play gay venues—only gay cruises, only gay clubs—you’re going to have limited success because we’re only 10 percent of the population.

How did you hook up with Sabrina and Jason for this tour?
They hooked up with me. Jason called me and said, ‘I’m a new comic. I’m trying to create my own break. I want stage time and I want to get paid for it. You have a name. They’ll give you the night. Can I use your name and will you come along for the ride?’ I said, ‘Will it help you for real?’ He said, ‘Yes.’ I said, ‘Absolutely.’
My job on the planet is to help you succeed…. Wouldn’t it be great if you looked back and saw a hundred hands of people helping you achieve your goals and when they look back, they see a hundred hands. This world would be such a better place.

Who’s the funniest person you’ve ever met?
My mother. She’s the funniest person I’ve ever met in my entire life and she doesn’t even know she’s funny. Two days ago I was closing an escrow because I’m refinancing one of my houses. So, my name, ANT…the banks want my birth certificate. I had it amended and my mother holds it. I called and said, ‘Mom, I need my birth certificate. Fax it to me.’

She goes, ‘Okay, but it’s my only copy, so fax it back.’

So I fax it back and she goes, ‘How did I get two copies?’
Oh my god, mom.
he wasn’t feeling well, so I call the other day and go, ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Okay.’
‘What did the doctor say?’
‘Some things are private. I don’t have to tell you anything.’
‘Did he give you anything?’
‘Zoloft.’
‘So you’re depressed.’
‘Who told you?’
(Laughs)

What else have you been working on?
Obviously the stand-up tour. I have a talk show that’s in development that I have a pilot for that looks like it’s going to go. Then I have this other project. I’m on the upcoming season of America’s Next Top Model. But I’m not a model.

I was hoping you were a model, but what are you?
I am showing the girls how to work the red carpet, how to introduce celebrities and how to be around famous people without making a fool out of yourself. It’s the most eye opening thing in the world. I used to always defend models and say, ‘You know, they don’t open their mouths. You’ve never spoken to one. Don’t insinuate or spread the rumor that they’re stupid because that’s not right.’ One of the exercises is that I had to be a drunk celebrity and they had to interview me on a press junket…. This girl starts talking to me and asking me questions and I’m a drunk celebrity and I fall of the stool and land on the ground and she just sits there. She doesn’t even flinch and she keeps asking me her next question. ‘Hello?! I feel to the floor. Come offer me assistance and stop asking me the next question.’
 ‘So, where do you think the success of that movie is going to come from? Hello? Why are you on the ground?’
It was just so crazy.

Does it make the show?
Yeah. It’s going to make the show. Tyra Banks and I are good friends. She is gay people’s biggest ally. I’m not even kidding. You would think it was Oprah, but it’s really Tyra Banks. She hires more gay people than anybody I’ve ever seen.

What else do you want our readers to know about ANT?
I love funnel cake and if you bring it to the show, I will forever be in your debt. I like it with strawberry and honey…. I love funnel cake and I don’t even know why and I host a weight loss show…. I was in Provincetown Mass. headlining at the Arthouse Theatre and they have fried dough there. I was in love.

I will definitely let everyone know.
Why do libraries let you check out books on suicide? They’re not coming back.
When does CPR stop being life saving and start being necrophilia? Where’s that line?

No idea.
I’d like to know. Wisconsin just passed a law making it illegal to sleep with dead people two weeks ago.

What?
I’m totally serious. Florida just toughened their laws on adoption for gay people. They so don’t want us to adopt. I can’t even adopt a highway.

(Laughs)
Do I get funnel cake now?

Absolutely.
You don’t even know. I’m obsessed with funnel cake.
My mother watched that movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding. She goes, “They had it easy.”
I have a child in Montana. Why do you ask? Well, a lesbian couple asked me to donate, so I said I would. Isn’t that nice?

How old is the child?
Two. We have an agreement. They wanted to use me as a donor, but we said that only if something bad happens to them do I step in. Two parents is enough. When you get three…. And it’s about their opinions are different on raising kids than mine are. My opinions are, if you want to try something, go try it. Don’t say no to experiences. Play in the streets. It’s fun. Watch for the big yellow buses though because they sneak up on you…. I would really love a funnel cake.

I’ll make sure you have a funnel cake on the 19th.
If you say that and there’s no funnel cake, I’m going to be depressed. If there’s a funnel cake from you, you’re my new best friend and I’ll give you anything you want in the world…under five dollars.

You had me excited for a minute. The funnel cake will probably cost more than five dollars.
It probably will, but you will have my undying love and affection….and your intern too. I love you guys. Funnel Cake. Strawberry and honey with powdered sugar. Delish!

Come Out Laughing is at Baltimore Comedy Factor (2 shows 7 and 9 p.m.) on Sunday, July 19. A portion of proceeds will benefit the Gay & Lesbian Community Center of Baltimore (GLCCB). For tickets and additional information, visit www.baltimorecomedyfactory.com.

 
 
Sabrina Matthews
Here's a very melodramatic article about me.

Fish Attack Just Start of Diver's Ordeal

Virginia Woman Returning From Thailand
for Sight-Saving Surgery

By Christian Davenport
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, January 6, 2009; Page B08
The fish was gray and sleek, about three feet long, and unlike anything Sabrina Matthews had ever seen. Matthews, on a 10-day scuba diving trip off the coast of Myanmar in mid-December, shone her light through the darkness to get a better look.
The fish, which she said was a barracuda, turned toward her. "Oh, cool," thought Matthews, a stand-up comedian from Virginia Beach. "I'm going to get a closer look."
Then it charged toward her, coming surprisingly -- and frighteningly -- fast. She ducked, but the barracuda's sharp teeth sliced through the side of her diving mask and slit her left eye.
She was about 60 feet underwater, on a night dive, in a cavern, six hours from shore and a long way from home.
It would be hours before Matthews, 44, got to a hospital. There would be miles to travel over water and land and a problem with her passport that involved the U.S. Embassy and friends back in the States who petitioned elected officials and the media to look into her case and help bring her home. It was just yesterday that Matthews, whose condition has stabilized in a Bangkok hospital, was informed that she had received the approval needed to return to the United States for surgery to restore her sight.
Matthews had been on enough dives -- 203, to be exact -- to know to stay cool. She knew that she and her dive master needed to ascend slowly after the attack to avoid getting the bends, even though all she wanted was to rise to the surface. Somehow she had managed not spit out her regulator, the mouthpiece through which she drew air -- a feat in itself.
Once on the boat, called the Mermaid One, a fellow diver who was a nurse bandaged her eye. This was a "live-aboard" trip, in which divers stay on the boat and dive in distant spots, and she was hours from shore. She couldn't keep from screaming, "Get me out of here!" she recalled in a telephone interview yesterday from her hospital room in Bangkok.
After arriving back at their base in Thailand, things got worse. A doctor told her that her injury was severe and that she needed to be taken immediately to a hospital in Bangkok, Matthews said. But the ambulance ride would be expensive, and the driver wanted to be paid in advance. Matthews didn't have enough cash, so the driver took her to an ATM, which was out of service. Finally, the dive company said it would pay the difference, she said.
Meanwhile, she had trouble getting a reentry stamp on her passport. She wasn't sure what the holdup was; she was injured and crying and everyone around her was speaking a language she didn't understand. Eventually, she said, she was told her passport had been stamped. Soon, she arrived at the Bangkok hospital, where she said she was given fantastic care and underwent two surgeries, one to repair the cut in her eye, the other to treat an eye infection that had developed.
The surgeon told her the second surgery could be done with a local anesthetic. "I can barely have this conversation without an anesthetic," she shot back after he described the procedure. "Put me out."
Matthews needed additional surgery in the United States to restore her sight. But soon after arriving at the hospital, she was informed that she did not receive the reentry stamp on her passport and could not leave.
Her friends and family back home mobilized. In a letter to several U.S. senators, a friend, writing on behalf of Matthews's mother, wrote: "To date, there has been no apologies given for the delay in responding to request for assistance and a very disturbing nonchalance about the importance of trying to save her eyesight."
Yesterday, an official from the U.S. Embassy in Thailand told Matthews that he had seen to it that her passport was stamped. She hopes to be home as soon as Friday.
Meantime, she's had time to reflect on her ordeal. She doesn't know why the barracuda attacked, though she suspects it was a response to her shining the light on it.
She has a newfound respect for the fish's ferocity -- and for how terrifying it can be to be alone and injured in a foreign country. "The word 'remote' to me has a whole new meaning," she said.
Staff researcher Meg Smith contributed to this report.

Read the article and see a cutie photo of Sabrina at the Washington Post here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/01/05/AR2009010502777.html
 
 
Sabrina Matthews
15 October 2007 @ 10:56 pm
Five Lesbian Comics You Might Not Know but Should

by Dara Nai, Contributing Writer
September 17, 2007


Sabrina Matthews has a casual, laid-back delivery that borders on the deadpan. Her honest and insightful wit earned her a spot on this season's Last Comic Standing. She made her acting debut on America's Most Wanted playing a lesbian comic, then further stretched her acting chops by playing the role of "Suburban Dyke" in Margaret Cho's Bam Bam and Celeste. Most recently, she played a lesbian used-car dealer on The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman.

AfterEllen.com: What was it like being on Last Comic Standing?
Sabrina Matthews: It was actually a lot of fun, getting to work with all those comics and getting to meet some new comics. [But] the show itself is an art competition — I'm not sure how well those two things interact. The best thing you can do is compete with yourself.

AE: Did you make your set less gay because you were going to be on mainstream television?
SM: I changed my set eight hundred and four times, but I never changed it to make it less gay. My set is never really entirely gay. and my set is absolutely never devoid of gayness. I was really glad the network kept the out jokes in my sets because I wanted my fans who were watching to [know] I would [never] chicken out just because it's national television. And I wanted new people to get a sampling of all of me. I think more than anything, I wanted to represent.

AE: When you said, "Do we have to have a special moment where I announce I'm gay?" it got a huge laugh.
SM: Some of your best jokes are jokes that you never knew were funny. That [line] was something I said one night on stage when I realized I was 15 minutes into my set [and] I hadn't said anything about it. I thought I'd better get something in about this — better get to that stuff because I want [it] in there. And it got this huge laugh, so it stayed. I don't actually usually do that line, just where it sort of comes up organically.

AE: What do you think are some of your best bits?
SM: There's a line, I think it may have even made it onto Last Comic Standing: "You know what I hate about lesbian stereotypes? They all apply to me." But I said that and I didn't mean it to be funny. It was about a year before I figured out why it was funny.

AE: Self-deprecating humor is disarming, too.
SM: I have a really strong belief that changes are made in two ways; either huge things happen and people try to recover from them as best they can, or small, little advances are made and then people change [the way they think].

Being an openly gay comic … has been a type of activism. I'm going in and getting straight people who think they don't know about gay people, and laughing with a gay person — me. I have people come up to me after shows and say, "I never met a gay person before."

And I say, "Yeah, you did, you just didn't know it." Those people begin to see gay people as human … [and] have some empathy for them.

AE: Have you ever not used gay material in your act?
SM: I never didn't do it. Actually, that's not true. I tried not being out once, and it wasn't because I was worried about the room. I tried it to try it. It was severely creepy. I had no idea how to feel about it. I hated everything about it. I just wanted to get back on stage and say, "Wait! Wait! Wait!"

Truly, the best comedy shows will have a woman on the bill, a person of color on the bill, a gay person on the bill, maybe someone who talks about being Muslim on the bill. You know what I mean? The more different realities that come to the bill, the better it is. People all have things in common, and that's where comedy comes from — being inside someone else's head. You can't laugh at something you don't understand.

AE: What do you have coming up?
SM: I'm leaving for an RSVP cruise to Alaska in a few days, and then I'll be doing two shows for Hampton Roads Pride in the Virginia Beach, Norfolk area. In October, I've got shows in Provincetown. In November, I'm headlining at the Houston Laff Stop.

AE: The last time I was in P-town, it looked like it was taken over by straight people. Have you noticed this?
SM: It's fun to scare the s--- out of the straight people. One year, this guy was wandering around and he was pointing at the gay people in a derisive way. He was with his wife and his two kids; one of them happened to be a daughter. While he was waiting to cross the street, I came up behind him, leaned up to his ear and said, [ominously] "How much for the girl?"

original article located at http://www.afterellen.com/people/2007/9/lesbiancomics?page=0%2C3
 
 
Sabrina Matthews
24 September 2006 @ 10:35 pm
After fifteen years on the road I’ve figured out the difference between a good hotel, an okay hotel, and a lousy one. A good hotel heats their hallways, an okay one doesn’t, and lousy hotel doesn’t have hallways. Plus the maid leaves cigarette butts in the ashtray and steals your luggage.

A nice hotel can be so peculiar as to be frightening. Last week, I traveled to Roanoke, VA, for their 17th annual Gay and Lesbian Pride Celebration, where I stayed at my strangest hotel yet. I shared the Governors Suite of the Patrick Henry Hotel with singer songwriter Gregory Douglass and his "roadie" Glen. Now there are times that one might not want to share a room with another performer, but these guys are super-sweet, and besides, we kept getting so disoriented in our digs we could barely find each other. It was like a monastery library: turning left over and over would lead you to the kitchen, repeatedly turning right would take you to the living room. At one point we lost each other, but I happened upon the foyer: after tying a loose bit of yarn to the front door I began alternating turns, calling to my new friends while unraveling the arm of a sweater. I found the master bath, with a blue sunken tub and purple paisley wallpaper. The bathroom, while hilarious, was marred only by the selection of some fine smelling oatmeal soap. There is nothing fancy about oatmeal, soap made from which may be lovely for your skin, but it's full of brown flecks, flecks that adhere to your washcloth. When I bathe, I consider the removal of brown flecks to be an important criterion for success.

After examining the soap, I opened what I thought was the linen closet and nearly gave Glen heart failure where he stood trying to repair the broken sauna, which was big enough for a health club. At the end of one hall was a bed-chamber (arcane wording totally appropriate, here) with a bed that had a curtain that lowered to the neck area of the sleepers; creepy, but Gregory and Glen took that one. (Who says gay guys are wimps?) I took the master bedroom, which had several nooks with wires that went nowhere, a cushioned headboard bolted to the wall (oh, those revolutionary prostitutes), and ceilings high enough to accommodate a basketball match. I feared my sleep would be plagued by nightmares set in asylums, but I was blissfully spared by the echoes of my upstairs neighbors. They were having sex constantly, which was fine. And I could hear them, which was also fine-- it saved me the $4.99. But they had the worst fucking rhythm I have ever witnessed. I finally started throwing things at the ceiling in 2/4 time-- I just wanted to bust in to their room with a metronome; "Here, screw to this! I've got to get up in two hours and tell jokes"... Finally, I went to sleep in the tub. I love baths. I'm all butch until there's hot water in the tub: then it's tea lights and back-to-back Enya on the cd changer.

The worst hotel I ever stayed at was the Sagamore Motor Lodge in Oak Park, MI. Now, you may not know this particular motel, but every town has one at the ass end of the city limits, that two-story residential-hotel high-school-prom-night-fuck-palace that rents by the day, week or hour. (I once tried to rent one of these rooms for an hour, by myself: I had been driving and just wanted a nap, so I needed the room for only an hour or so. You have no idea how difficult it is to maintain your self-respect while renting a room for an hour by yourself.
"Will that be overnight?"
"No, I only need it for an hour."
"Two occupants?"
"No, I'm by myself. Well, I do have my dog with me"
"Excuse me?"
"I'll take it overnight: here's your forty bucks.")

The room smelled of feet. No matter how much incense I burned or how much takeout Chinese food I ate, there was still the malingering smell of feet as you walked in the door. Each of the rooms in these hotels is alike, with a bed that has candy wrappers and empty cigarette packs underneath, a television that gets local cable, and a hot plate with an other-worldly film over it that makes it impossible to contemplate cooking. Likely decorated by a charter member of the Society for the Preservation of Beige, the pattern on the bedspreads was identical to the prints framed and hanging above the bed. In an upscale hotel, that might pass for trendy coordination, but at the Sag it just meant that at some point a bedspread would receive so many cigarette burns that it would be cut into eighteen by twenty-four inch rectangles and used to replace the pictures of puppies and flowers that had been removed by the previous occupants.

Just so you know that my life is not without some glamour, I once stayed in a Chicago hotel that provided guests with their own goldfish upon request. As luck would have it, this sparked a two-day rivalry between my date and me over whether the goldfish should be named Claudine or Bertram (which was totally stupid-- Bertram is clearly the better fish name).